the one about the workout

Warning: This post is about breastfeeding. I say the word boobs in a completely unsexy way. If this isn't your cup-o-tea, turn away now.

Dear Expectant Mamas,

Congratulations! You are about to embark on the journey of a lifetime. Soon, a little human will vacate your body, and you can pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Pregnancy is no small thing. As we all know, it has its ups and downs. Some pregnancies are smooth sailing, and others…well, you get put on bed rest and have preterm labor and get gestational diabetes (not that I'm bitter or anything).

I feel it is my job to tell you something very important about this next phase of your life. Please read carefully, because it is advice that only an honest friend can give you.

Mila Kunis is full of shit.

Bet you didn't see that coming, huh?

For a moment, please read this crap and then come back here.

Cliff's Notes Version:
Mila Kunis just had a daughter named Wyatt (?) and she was recently on the Late, Late Show. She was quoted as saying something like, "Breastfeeding is a great workout! All I do is eat a ton and the weight just falls right off!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Dead from laughter.

I remember going to a breastfeeding class when I was pregnant with Noelle, and the nurse told all of us that breastfeeding is wonderful because you can, and I quote, "eat a steak dinner every night and still lose weight."

Well, imagine my disappointment when I did, in fact, eat steak dinners quite often upon the birth of my oldest and the weight did nothing but stay on my ass.

The logic is that breastfeeding burns something like 500 calories a day, so you can essentially eat 500 extra calories and not gain weight.

Um, thanks. Maintaining this weight isn't my goal. I don't want to look 9 months pregnant and not actually be 9 months pregnant.

In case you didn't already know, celebrities are liarfaces. Mila Kunis may very well be breastfeeding and "eating a ton," but she most likely also has a trainer, a chef, 3 layers of Spanx, and a very restricted diet that is allowing her to slim down quickly.

Technically, she wasn't all wrong.

Breastfeeding is a workout.

I would imagine that holding a baby with one arm while you simultaneously attempt to apply makeup, eat your breakfast, return an email, change another kid's diaper, or fold laundry with the other arm has got to burn some calories. At the least, it builds some great bicep muscles.

Then there's the cardio exercise of throwing a nursing cover/blanket over yourself, slipping the child underneath, lifting your shirt, flopping out the goods, and feeding your child without exposing yourself. That really gets my blood pumping.

How about this. Try going to a step aerobics class post-baby. The added weight from those "gals" that  are due for a feeding provide nice resistance training (and a good excuse for well-placed "sweat stains"…if you know what I mean).

Or what about when you're feeding the child uncovered in your own home and the doorbell rings, and you can tell it's the FedEx man with that shipment you have been waiting for but you have to sign for it and you don't know what to do because, well, your boob is out. You can't take too long because he will turn and leave and you need that package today so you frantically find a cover, stand up while the child is still attached, and make it to the door in time.

Heart. Racing. Just me?

But even though breastfeeding is a proven workout for me, the act alone isn't melting pounds off by the day, lemme tell ya.

Who knows? You might get lucky. You might be one of those women who enjoys this white unicorn of breastfeeding.

We just will no longer be friends.

With love,
The Mama


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